In Life's Hands
by Rachy Writes
Summary: What really is the meaning of life? Does it matter where you came from? Who you are? Or what you've been through? Hunter x Hunter one shot describing what Killua truly feels about his own life.


**IN LIFE'S HANDS**

**AN: **YOSH! Yes my dear readers I am not the type who really updates really fast but I'll try to. One reason is because school and another is that I'm starting on a book (more like manga) called _The Voices of Forever. _Well Christmas is coming so I decided to write a lot this time during Christmas break. Anyway, read, review and enjoy.

-RW

* * *

_Another battle  
Another day  
The same people  
Same words to say_

_One family  
One more friend  
Is worth saving  
Until the end_

_Two hands  
A small part  
Of love and peace  
And yet one heart_

_Gems in the sky  
Glittering stars  
Arms stretched  
But yet so far_

_Reach for what  
is too distant away  
Walk all around  
Go the same way_

_But forever is too simple  
Too long to imagine  
In all its glory  
Is what you are longing_

* * *

It's been years and so long. His redemption, his repentance has already been paid for.  
But yet, it felt like he was still the same person he was before. The same person who ran away from his past and tried to escape his own fate. These bloodstained hands, he tried to wash away. And yet, this was who he really was. A killer? An assassin?

But he never really wanted it. A mere expectation from his family was what he was to become. So who was he really? A sigh was all he could answer to his own question.

Falling back into the sheepish plains, once again, he questioned every single thing that blinded him from what simply meant as the truth.

Slowly, reaching into the sky, molding the perfect strings of time mending it into faded memories, bloodstained tears fall from the smoothed cheeks once turning into the pinkish color.

Lied down in the dew felt grass that trickle down at a melodic pace. A blanket spread over covered with the precious skies that have looked down on us for generations. Gently, slowly.

Reaching for a star that you know can never be reached. Suffering a loss that can never be recovered by man's wills or dreams. That is why the silent drought washed over the ever shut eyelids deeply remembering each smile, each laughter, each mutter, each cry, each proclaim, each memory but only to feel the hurt of _never_ getting to hear and see it one more time.

How can a person that has felt a family's pain and sin all thrown on him, a living hell tearing his heart out of his chest? Exposed to what man cannot possibly go through…

Even if he was powerful beyond expectations, he doubted his inner self. Is he too weak? Because inside his own soul, a mirror that reflects his past, a biography being written by the hollow ghostly figure inside him.

But now, laid in such patches, each inch filled with a spring flower seemingly tangling around his body, all he can feel, all he can really see with those blue orbs blocked by eyelids remaining shut, unblinking, is time pass by.

Each breath that blended in with the soft feathery wind blowing against his silver hair, calming his fighting spirit down seemed to relax him little by little.

Until the sun set droopily on the horizon spreading a tangy orange amongst the very fields where he lay, every ray claiming its renowned place with little shadows that seemed to dance and run away. While the sun smiled one last time as if saying goodbye and promising to appear the next life giving tomorrow.

Bit by bit, each glittering diamond in the eternal and same sky that has never changed started to come out of its hiding place into the silent and lonesome dark. Hard to believe that it was just a big burning ball full of gas that was miles and miles away but yet it looked so glorious in the way it shined and reflected in the unending darkness so far away.

Seemingly, the moon had its own face in the shimmering lake that watched silently in patience for the fowls of the morning to swim in such waters. It gave light to the world at night. It was true that in comparison with the morning, night had its draw with it as well. For all its wit was just the same as the bright glimmering sun in all its glory.

_So_ _this is life? Reaching for what you know is thousands of miles and way and still think that you have the wings to carry you that far. Praying a wish that has been your entire dream, when you know all its doing to you is crushing you slowly until you're out of breath. Knowing that someday you might be free, yet you still are in the same place as yesterday only trapping your own feelings, your own emotions, and your own tears where no one can possibly see. You keep everything a secret, and perhaps one day, your own mere existence will be a secret as well._

"Is that life?"

But muttering those words, precisely words that no one can hear besides the Great Watcher of life above, only encased his own life in pain which is only meant for the inside of your own heart.

Was he really a friend when he knew that all his past did was haunt him? Bringing him down with every silent whisper that he was a murderer.

Glancing one more time on the ever shining stars, he realized something he hadn't before.

He didn't really choose or even expect to have good friends. It was them who accepted him as who he was. Regardless of what kind of past, what kind of hell he went through and what he was capable of doing, he knew that there was a friend who chose him.

Gon.

HE was the reason he was able to change, to be able to feel that annoying fuzzy feeling of what they call friendship. An embarrassing thing, but one thing he would never trade the world for was his friend. And all the people who have helped him become what he is now. Gon was the reason he was him. A hunter and no longer the past self that chased him down.

Because this comrade that has never withered, never wilted, never changed, his heart, his mind, his soul, is what keeps him alive. To be able to fight for him and live for him is more than an honor. Because he is his family. He is his home.

No matter what enemy, what rival, whatever may even try to separate them, he will fight.

And no matter what kind of loneliness he felt in the past, it is only past. Concealed by a sheet of spirit that drives him forward.

"Is this life?"

Unending, Unchanged, Willing, Faithful, Blessed, Confusing, Satisfying, Agonistic, Ecstatic, Unlearned, Searched, Problematic, and a mere Stage.

That was life somehow. It wasn't going to end. It wasn't going to change and hide from the traps of this but unchanging earth. Life goes on still. But on this world, it is simply a test.

Everything but God and Life will pass away with the sands of time somehow. Yet yes was the simple answer all along. And with that as satisfied as a child who has received eternal love, a smile arose among the depths of the unemotional face. Shadowed and watched by the vast sky above, sleep conquered all. And with that, knowledge revealed life in its yet truest way of living.

Yet deep inside his heart, the only voice left and with worth of so speaking, each memory flooded his soul and mind and heart. Muttering the silent of silents, a soul arose among these. Because merely,

_That was life._

* * *

**AN: **Yes I know also that Hunter x Hunter is well, maybe an old anime but well wait what no its still going on. Anyway I just wanted to show people the wonders of friendship (lol what). Just yeah, I love Killua's character and wanted to demonstrate that he is no longer an assassin or whatever. Yes this may be corny but I don't care. Wow some parts were actually taken out of Voices of Forever that's why it's so deep. It's the first I've also done that's not related to Fairy Tail. Thanks for reading and reviewing you awesome people and continue to bear the long lengths and intervals between each story I write.

-RW


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